Monday, January 28, 2008

I could use a change... I think.

I am not known for my quick adaptability when it comes to change, especially sudden change; spontaneity has never really been one of my strong suits. So when I anticipated a change to occur yesterday, I mentally prepared myself for it, spending time weighing all the pros and cons, asking lots of thought-provoking questions to help me understand what adjustments would be needed to accept this change, and emotionally gearing myself up. After much thought, I was ready and knew what to expect from myself when this change transpired. In fact, I had thought so much about it, in a sense I was actually looking forward to it!

Then, the moment came … and went. The change I had planned for never took place! All of my emotional and mental preparation had not prepared me for the change NOT to happen. Talk about let-down! Talk about trying to hastily kick my weak spontaneity gene into gear. Why am I not good at this? Life is full of change, even changes to change; you’d think I would have gotten used to it by now! Why had I not prepared myself for everything to remain the same? There are always two sides of a coin. Why hadn’t I truly considered that? Why am I forced to remain in this stagnant situation? I wanted this change. I wanted it badly. At least, I think I did. I wanted it to mean something. I wanted it to catapult me forward. I would have even settled to be on a slow-moving conveyor belt, as long as it meant life was moving in a forward motion.

Alas, back to the drawing board I am, asking questions to help me understand what adjustments are needed to accept this stagnancy. No matter how hard I try, I cannot plan for change of any kind. Change will come to pass when it’s darn good and ready. And change is emotional; it’s hard. But the lack of it can be even harder.


Nancy said...

I am thinking maybe this change came afterall? I like reading your blog because it helps me get to know you. Your sister also has a very difficult time with change. Thought you should know that.

Sharona said...

Change never comes as soon as you'd like it to. Never. At least, it never comes as soon as I'd like it to. But as long as it doesn't mean you're leaving my ward, I'm in full support of change for you. And I tagged you on my blog, just so you know. Umm, yes. We should have a party or finagle some other way to visit and chat soon. I need updates.