Thursday, November 10, 2011

Baggage. What-ifs. And a little bit of Random.

"Thinking will not overcome fear but action will."
~W. Clement Stone

This week, I learned that I have baggage. By merely having life experience, I've accumulated baggage. I make decisions and act according to the experience (or baggage) I have. Experience is a good thing, I think, in most situations, but I suppose experience can also jade me. It tends to color my reactions, my thoughts, my impressions, my expectations, and my sense of reality.

Experience isn't a bad thing unless I allow it (the baggage) to color my mind so much that I begin truly entertaining the what-ifs. When I was about twenty-one, a good friend of my told me that I'm a what-iffy person. You know the kind who just thinks of all the what-ifs, if not out of fear and anxiety, then out of curiosity. Hmmm. Certainly, this practice can be amusing, but I'm not so sure it's a good thing when I begin stringing a little obsessive anxiety along with it.

I learned a little bit about avoiding the what-ifs when Amber was in the hospital. Remember, when she was dying and in a medically induced coma for what seemed like forever? Yeah. Well, I had deep impressions from the Spirit about what faith is. About how entertaining the what-ifs can easily turn into full-blown fearful living and anxiety ridden thoughts... which lack the true essence and power of faith. And that my friends, is no way to be.

Often, in Mormondom, we hear people speak of "taking steps into the dark before one sees the light" or "taking a leap of faith into the unknown before the path becomes clear." I know these things. I've experienced them. There are times in my life when I have prayed harder and more sincerely and openly than I ever thought possible. Lately, those times have been more common. The act of prayer like that opens me up to learning and understanding and a sense of peace unmatched. But why do I find it so hard to get there sometimes.

The past few days, I've felt a little melancholy. I don't know why. Oh, who am I kidding. I know exactly why. But really what I don't know is why I allow certain things or people to affect me in such a way as to cause me to feel melancholy. My attitude is a choice, right? So why can't I choose to not let sad things make me sad? Why can't I choose to fall into the realm of vulnerability which is bound to bring melancholic events now and then? Are they really melancholic events or is it my interpretation of said events that I need to work on. Always working...

"Feelings are like waves. We can't stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf." Just read that on Pinterest. Timely.

I need to go running. So freaking cold it is, though. {sigh} Need to run. Need to feed my body endorphins.

What exactly am I so afraid of?

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

Tomorrow is 11/11/11. Finally a whole day to make all the wishes I could possibly dream of. You better believe I already have a list. :)

No comments: