Another Shoebox.

"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone (or attempting to) requires a leap of faith,
and that a soft landing is never guaranteed."
~Unknown

Years ago, I started keeping a shoebox for each relationship that ended. You know, a place to house all the things (ticket stubs, playbills, love letters, pictures, etc.) from old boyfriends that I just can't throw away, but might just start swimming in my tears if I just *happen* upon them. Out of sight, out of mind. That's the theory.

Well, I think I'm starting yet another one. :( I've gotten less sentimental and cheesy, so really it will probably just be a small envelope, but nevertheless, it's going to come into existence.

"What happened?" I can hear you saying that in your head right now, and to be honest, I don't really know. Sometimes we aren't afforded the luxury of communication. And sometimes what may seem to be going well and progressively more solidified just suddenly ends with no explanation. And you're left wondering what you said or what you did to so swiftly make one change his tune...

Remember how I didn't want to talk about this one because I didn't think I could handle one more "another one bit the dust" story? Yeah. Well, here you go. Here's that post. Sad. But I guess it's better to know one's true character and feelings early on. Not that I really know them... but I'm smart, and I know that silence speaks volumes. Sudden silence confuses, but nevertheless sends a message. A loud one.

Aye aye, Captain. Message received. Shoebox being prepared.

Why does life keep trying to teach me lessons that I have no desire to learn? Lessons that aren't often learned for years following.

No worries. I'm definitely sad, but life is good. Being sick in bed for two weeks solidified a lot of things in my mind. One of them being that God is watching over me. And the best is yet to come. It always is. Everything always works out. And if he comes around again, I'm still willing to open up the shoebox again. Because I'm open. Remember?  We'll just see.

Photo credit unknown.
I can't remember where I found it.

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Oh Heaven, help me! I like him.

"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."
~Peter McWilliams

Photo found here

So I just got off the phone with the latte boy (TLB)*, and I'll be honest (because when am I not? when do I not spill my guts?)... Anyway, I just got off the phone with him and I'm just sitting here wishing I never had to get off the phone. I wish we could just keep talking. Forever. Ugh. Don't let me say such things. Stop me. Now. Before it's too late.

It might already be too late. I like this boy.

Starting about a week or two ago, this phone call thing has sort of become a week-nightly practice. And I'm not complaining. at. all. I'm meeting his family this weekend! I know, right!?! I haven't even thought about when he'll meet mine. He left me flowers a couple weeks ago. I'm a sap and my heart melted a little. He left them just in front of the garage door in front of my spot. I seriously died just a little when the garage door went up and the light revealed my surprise. Nice boy.

I'm afraid to talk about him. I'm afraid to talk about him on here. Why? Because I'm just not sure I can handle another "this one didn't work out" story. My heart is a just little tender sometimes; it's been stomped on and ripped up a few times. I'm just not eager to have that happen again. And when you talk about it, it becomes real. So, I suppose I'm a little hesitant.

Oh, and the fact that it's quite likely that he's found my blog at some point... hyeah, that makes me a little wary to write about him. I'm honest on here. I share on here. Dare I say, I over-share on here, sometimes. What if my words, my true thoughts and feelings about him, scare him off? I guess I should take heart that he hasn't been scared off yet... and it's been 9.5 weeks since our first date. (Not that I'm counting or anything...) And really, let's be honest. I'm not that much different in person than I am on here... so he already knows I talk a lot, I ask lots of questions, I share, I delve deep... and for today at least, he's still around.


*Explanation of what I think will become his blog nickname forthcoming.
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Being Open.

"When your heart speaks, take good notes."
~Judith Campbell

In June of this year, so six months ago, I started attending the Singles Ward.
For some time, I had been toying with the idea, and in the previous one or two months,
I really felt compelled to go, that it was where I should be,
that I should be doing something about meeting men and opening myself up to opportunities if I wanted to get married (which I do) and if I wanted to have a happy fulfilling life (which I do).

I never really used to consider myself a social butterfly or extroverted.
But in the last two years, after leaving the Young Single Adult (YSA) Ward,
I just have really begun to feel lonely, like I have no friends and certainly no dating prospects.

In a way, it hasn't bothered me too much that I didn't go on a single date in 2010.
(Okay, it clearly bothered me enough that I know that I didn't go on a single date in the year 2010.)
But seriously looking back, I don't think it really has bothered me that much because in all reality,
how could I have fit anything more into my full-time work/full-time school schedule...
especially the last year? It just wasn't in the cards and that was okay.
I had my sights set on a different goal.
Finishing school.
And that was a good thing.

But as graduation approached, I began to think of all the things I wanted to do with my free time,
how I wanted my life to play out; you know, just envisioning the future.
And whaddya know, my thoughts and gut feelings kept returning to "attend the Mid-Singles Ward", "attend the Mid-Singles Ward." So I finally listened and on Sunday, June 5th, the first Sunday after returning from my trip East, I got home from my family ward (which occupies the 9am-12pm time slot)
and suddenly decided to go to the Singles Ward. I quickly looked up the time (crossing my fingers that it was the 1pm-4pm time slot, which it was) and the address and ran and jumped in the car.

I felt happy to be there, like this was the step I was supposed to take.
I talked to my very good friend Sarah (the S of DandS) about my decision later that week.
She always seems to have excellent insights for me and since I made such a split-second decision,
I hadn't really told anyone about it.
So one night mid-run, I stopped in to visit with Sarah, who spent some time in the Singles Ward before she married Dennis, so she understands. She knows the people.
She knows the drill.
She knows what it means to be single, in your 30s, and Mormon.
She knows what the decision meant.
And she knows me.

Honestly, I don't remember all the details of our conversation
but I do know that I was there long enough to cut my run short and make a straight shot for home when I left because it was getting dark. (Keep in mind this was summer, so that meant close to 10pm, probably.)
I remember the feeling of significance associated with the thoughts expressed that night and the spirit that was there. I remember that Sarah seemed very excited and almost proud of me for making the decision to go.
She said something that really stayed with me.
At the time, I don't think I really understood what she meant,
but it's like my heart knew that I needed to remember what she told me.

She said that she thought my decision to start attending was "the best and the hardest decision" I could make.
I asked her what she meant by hard, and the thoughts that followed were all about
being outside my comfort zone,  being open, allowing myself to be vulnerable,
proving to God that I am open and ready and willing to lead whatever life he has in store for me,
and being open, being open, being open...

It's funny because I remember at the time thinking that maybe this wasn't such a hard decision and that it wasn't going to be that outside of my comfort zone. I mean, I was ready for this. Really.
I was ready to make new friends, have an active social life,
and not be sad that I didn't have anyone to invite to go to a movie with me. Right?

But as it turns out, Sarah was right; it was a hard decision.
Okay, so the decision itself wasn't hard, but the results and consequences of the decision were/are hard.
Being single and putting yourself out there is hard, no matter how extroverted and social you are
(which I have learned I am very).
And the being open part is really the thought that stayed with me though
and blossomed in my heart and mind, and still continues to.

I thought I knew what being open meant. But over the course of the next few months, I became acutely aware that I still had a lot to learn about being open. What does being open mean? What have I learned?
Being open means letting go of what's comfortable
and diving into what may be uncomfortable at first, and then continuing to swim.
Being open means being vulnerable.
Being open means I take my sense of self cues from God.
Being open means not setting limitations for myself or others.
Being open means saying hello to everyone.
Being open, for me, means unknowingly taking up the habit of waving and smiling at everyone new I meet.
Being open means considering something (or someone) I may have never considered before.
Being open means doing things that aren't my first choice just because they help me toward my greater goal or because I just feel like it's the right thing to do.
Being open means doing things that I consider to be scary.
Being open means embracing the happy in my life, of which there is a lot.
Being open means praying a lot.
Being open means giving up my will to God or more clearly, aligning my will with His.
Being open means searching and seeking for the best path to take.
Being open means having faith, lots of it.

I've been thinking a lot about how open I am to life, but especially how open I am to relationships.
Man, learning about yourself is hard. Painful even, at times.
But being open feels good. It feels hopeful. It feels bright and sunshiny.
Okay, I'll be honest. Sometimes it feel dark and scary.
But most of all, it feels like the right way to be.

So yeah, relationships.
I don't know what it is about my self-esteem or my approach with men, but for an otherwise confident person, I'm just not always that way around men that I have potential of being interested in.
I just don't even want to approach them. Because I guess I feel like who am I to win their affection
when they could have some gorgeous, thin, leggy girl with big brown eyes, laughing and joking with them.
I immediately assume that he would not want anything to do with me, dismissing his ability to be attracted to me when he has so many other possibilities in front of him.
Who am I to think that I could be "the one," his "Miss Right?"

And I know,
with that thinking I'm sabotaging myself from the get-go, assuming that they would have no interest in me.
It's not a woe-is-me attitude, it just is what it is. Reality.
It's not even that I think I'm unattractive or unlovable.
No, it's just that men don't usually choose me. That's the reality.
Now, I know that I can't say they never do.
I've dated several men, but I'm not one who can say that I've dated a lot.
I think I've only been on a handful (maybe) of dates that didn't turn into a long-term relationship.
A long-term relationship that (obviously) subsequently ended.
And even then, there have only really been six or seven of those.

So what is this post really about?
I guess it's about learning who I am. Learning about myself and improving that self.
Learning to be open.
I get discouraged sometimes and I'm trying to get over that part of myself and not let my heart sink into despair when I feel ignored or less than, and just have a little more confidence, but it's a little hard when my past dating life has set a precedent* of unrequited love.
It's a little hard when you have to start over again... over and over and over again.

It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen,
but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.
To keep putting myself out there is hard. But life is hard.
When I put myself out there, allowing myself to fall into the required state of vulnerability,
I seem to get burned one way or another. That's been my experience.
And yet, I keep going back for more.**
Why?
Because I'm open.

*And just in case you had a momentary lapse of intelligence, like I did, here is the difference between the word precedent and precedence. I know you were wondering.

**So I'm thinking that it might be okay to talk about TLB sometime soon. Who or what is TLB you may ask? He is "man without a nickname," ... and he's still around.
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Falling Back and Humble Pie.

"The way we communicate with others and with ourselves
ultimately determines the quality of our lives."
~Tony Robbins

Fall Leaves. October 2011.

Oh, how I'm looking forward to falling back tonight! I have been increasingly more excited for the end of Daylight Savings Time in the past two weeks because it has been so incredibly dark in the mornings. I can hardly wait.

This morning it snowed. Gosh, it's freezing. I'm just not quite ready for it yet this year. I don't know why. I shouldn't be surprised it snowed since it's November, but I am still in the wearing shoes with no socks mode. I still haven't posted any fall color pictures and now I've already taken some snow pictures. I guess I'll just have to fit them in.

So in case anyone is waiting for an update from this post, I've gone out with the man without an appropriately anonymous/ambiguous blog nickname several times now. Four times, to be exact, over the past five weeks. It's good. I'm cautious. But, I'm honest too... and I like him. I'm enjoying spending time with him and getting to know him and that's about all I'm going to say right now. For heaven's sake, I'm pretty sure he's found my blog at some point, though he's never said anything about it. He's a smart cookie though. So for now, I'm just zipping my lips a little. Surprised? Go ahead, start making bets about how long I can hold it in...

With the help of a few people in my life (including above-mentioned-man), I've come to the conclusion (again) that I'm a decidedly extroverted person, an outward thinker, a talker. When I'm asked a question or attempting to make a decision, my thought process is out loud. Sometimes I feel like that's wonderful, open, and refreshing, and an opportunity to be heard and understood. Other times I feel like it's dangerous, intense, and overwhelming, and an opportunity to be way too vulnerable. Man without a nickname claims he likes my extroverted nature, so that's a plus.


But about a week or two ago, I ran across a pin on Pinterest, which simply said:

Have you PRAYED about it as much as you've TALKED about it?

Wow. That was a dose of humble pie, if I've ever had one. Kick in the pants, I tell you.


I've been talking a lot about man without a nickname. (BTW, this will NOT be his nickname. It's still too soon to have one, I think. Plus all the ones people have come up with are too revealing of his true identity.) I've been talking a lot because I'm thinking a lot. Too much, I'm told. I think, therefore I speak. When I am dating someone or figuring out a relationship, I tend to think about all the what-ifs and entertain countless scenarios, countless possible reasons for certain words or actions, countless possibilities, when really I should just be. Just live. Just enjoy. Just love. Just be me. After all, man without a nickname decided to ask me out when I was just me, when I didn't even know he was looking.

Just be me and give up all those unproductive tendencies to over-analyze, question, and self-sabotage to God. He guides my path. And if I'm really honest with myself (with a healthy dose of hindsight), my path is really wonderful. It's just what I need for me to grow and learn and enjoy and simply have fun. It's mine and I love it.

Oh and since it actually did snow today, here's a shot for you. :)

Happy Novwinter!
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Sexy.

"Good grammar is sexy. That's all I'm saying."
~eclaires

Correct spelling and grammar go a long way for me. But then again, so does a really nice smelling man who wants to kiss me. If you've got both going for you, you may just be in.
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Too soon.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
~Joseph Campbell

Storm clouds brewing on the way to work this morning

A rainy day. Fall is here. I'll admit, I like it. A. Lot. But what I don't like is that one day I'm using my air conditioning and the next, I'm seriously tempted to turn on the heater. Seriously, it's too soon. Such is life living in Salt Lake.

Steve Jobs died today. He was 56. Wow. That man seriously shaped the world as we know it. His death came too soon. Too soon for the world. Too soon for him. Too soon for his family. Seriously, too soon.

And may I say that I just really don't like the oft-used abbreviation RIP? I don't know why, but it immediately brings to mind images of spiderweb-sheathed tombstones with a mummy and Frankenstein with their arms in the air ready to scare you. Halloween. And Halloween seems to have an irreverent take on death. I know it stands for "rest in peace," but I suppose I prefer seeing all the words instead of the initials on this one. And there you go.

So in two days, I'm going on a date. A bona-fide date. Honest to goodness (where did that phrase come from?) date. As in boy asks girl. Girl had no idea it was coming. Seriously. NO. IDEA. I like that. Pleasantly surprised. Boy decided he liked me when I wasn't even trying to impress him. Now that's flattering. Never saw it coming.

He's very nice. And he laughs a lot. I need that in my life. I've noticed him for awhile, but truly never thought anything would happen. For some reason, my mind never really went there. We'll see if he sticks around long enough to get a nickname. Remember: The Cheerful Deadbeat? The Artist? Future GA? M? Blind Date? Who else? I don't think I can mention them all since some of them are too close to their actual names. Funny, but I've never been one to give nicknames (most of those came from my family), but when blogging in this very public world, I feel like I need to keep some semblance of privacy. For me. Oh, and for them. :)

Don't worry, I'll keep you updated if it's worth keeping you updated on. For now, it's too soon to know. Too soon for a nickname.

Anyway, time for bed. More later. I still have several more days of Italy to post, a trip to NYC from May, a trip to St. George with SLCA in June, a trip to Park City in August with Mom, a trip to southern California this last weekend... so much to document and share. Oh and I'm running a 6k this weekend. It's raining. I'm cold. I haven't run since Saturday. Ha. Oh well, wish me luck. At least I'm doing it. And not a minute too soon.
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Hiking to Cecret Lake in Albion Basin.

"Doubly happy, however, is the man to whom lofty mountain tops are within reach."
~John Muir

Cecret Lake in Albion Basin, Utah
August 15, 2011

Last night I hiked up to Cecret Lake in the Albion Basin, more than 9,000 feet above sea level, with the Singles Ward. It's situated in the middle of Snowbird and Alta ski resorts, and yes, it's spelled with a C.

It was a moderately easy 35-minute hike up, although, I did have one short bout of the "this-is-abnormally-high-elevation-and-my-heart-and-lungs-can't-seem-to-remember-how-to-function-properly-and-this does-not-feel-normal-and-do-I-have-asthma?-because-I-truly-feel-like-I'm-going-to-die..." shortness of breath that I get every once in awhile when I exert myself on hikes (or walk quickly up four flights of stairs). That was a success. I'm not really sure what it is because it's not the normal "I feel out of shape" shortness of breath. It's different. Much much different. Scary different. But anyway...

Cecret Lake is nestled in the mountains at about 9,500 feet above sea level, which is pretty high for this native San Franciscan who has spent the majority of her life at less than a couple hundred feet. To give you some perspective: my home in San Francisco sits approximately 100 feet above sea level and my home in Salt Lake City is approximately 4200 feet above sea level. So Cecret Lake more than doubles that... but it's beautiful. There was still snow up there. Not lots, but definite large patches.

The Albion Basin is liberally littered with beautiful wildflowers that are especially radiant this time of year. They make you want to just skip through fields with your arms outstretched singing something like "The hills are alive..." Either that or pretend you're Heidi.

Despite nine mosquito bites, I just really had a great time. The weather was beautiful, a perfect temperature, in my opinion (no hot hikes, please). And I met (and re-met) some really fun people, both once we arrived at the lake and in the carpool ride up to the trail-head. Good conversations.

What a beautiful Monday evening it was. I'm so happy that I've had opportunities to get out and experience all that is beautiful Utah. Utah's newest tourism slogan is "Life Elevated," and I think it's rather fitting.

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That's the Point.

"Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak;
sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."
~Author Unknown

Just a random picture I took. I'd like to say I planned it.

Twelve years ago, I started dating my friend's boyfriend's friend.
We dated for a year, well after my friend and her boyfriend broke things off. My boyfriend and I weren't really right for each other.
He wasn't right for me, but he kept trying to make it right.
He was good to me. We were close. I liked being loved.
I liked having a boyfriend.
But ultimately, I just knew he wasn't the right one.
He was going nowhere fast and ultimately, so was the relationship.
There were a lot of things wrong therein, but he was "cheerful," as my mom put it
--unbeknownst to me, she actually dubbed him "the cheerful deadbeat"--
and I was just having fun.

I told him that I didn't feel like "we" were really going in the right direction
and that I knew I couldn't make him happy (he desperately wanted to get married
--which was part of the problem--
and there was NO way that was going to happen).
So I ended things, only somewhat mutually.
We never saw each other again.

He contacted me on FB a little over two years ago, saying,
"Hey. Wow, you have only gotten prettier as time went on! I still love those blue eyes! Sorry I didn't pull my head outta my a$$! Can we still be something?"
Really classy. Really classy.
Sounds like he never rid himself of the "deadbeat" half of his moniker.
I never replied.

So eleven years ago, when I told him I wanted him to be happy and I didn't think that meant with me, he replied,
"Do you really want to do this?
If you break up with me, you're never going to find someone like me again."
At the time, I knew breaking up was right, but still took those words as a dagger to the soul and said,
"I know," wondering if I ever would find someone to love.
But now all these years later, and several great relationships later
(the first one was only three months after he and I broke up),
I finally realized how I should have replied:
"I'm never going to find someone like you again? Well, that's the point."

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Random Friday Night Thoughts.

"The best way out is always through."
~Robert Frost

Photo found here.

I am in bed. I'm tired. I've been really tired for the last six weeks. Sleep, clearly, is needed, but I also feel extra obligated to my body, now that I'm slinging it across the pavement three times a week.

I should be asleep, but I'm not there yet. My mind seems to just be getting going. All kinds of thoughts. You know.

My life is good. It's hard sometimes, but for the most part, it's pretty darn good and I don't have much to complain about. I have a good job. I have friends, even if I often feel alone. I have a mother who loves me. A lot. I have a car that's as cute as can be. It turned one year old at the beginning of this month, which of course means that by the end of the month I have to renew my registration. Ugh. But, I'm traveling to Italy in less than two months. Mmm, gelato.

I ate Cafe Rio tonight. Super huge portions. But I didn't stuff myself and I successfully talked myself into throwing away what was left over. It wasn't really worth keeping. Tasty, it was, though. And my fingers smell like lime. I like that.

I've been thinking lately that I'd really like an adventure. I'd like to live overseas again. I think I'd just really like my own place to decorate. A space that really feels like mine. Someday.

Today, there was a bombing and shooting of some 80 summer camp attendees in Norway. Who does that? I haven't even been able to bring myself to read much about it. I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little emotional and it might put me over the edge. You know, I go off to a wedding reception in my slinky LBD with red heels (hot red heels, I might add) while people in Norway are mourning the deaths of many of their friends and family. I'm sitting here contemplating my run tomorrow morning and how hard it's going to be, when there are people who are lying in the hospital. I pretty much start crying when I even THINK about one of my family members dying. Too painful to contemplate for very long, even for a morbid person like I am.

I don't know. Life is hard. It's full of pain. But I guess it's through the pain and the hard things in life that we come to know ourselves and God. I feel compassion for the peaceful Norwegian people. Somehow, I wish I could just go there and hold their hands. Hug them and hold them while they cry. Be the person who can think straight for them, while their minds are in shock. Someday, I'll rescue the world.

Instead, I'm lying in my bed... blogging. Preparing to drift off into a dreamy sleep. And when I wake, I'll roll out of bed, pull on my wonderful new sports bra (I got it in black) and go off for W3D1. Life goes on, I guess. But I can say my prayers. And I am. Someone's missing their mom tonight. But they'll see her again. Someday.

The wedding reception tonight was for two friends from Salt Lake Choral Artists. They're in their mid-30s and really great people. They give me hope that maybe, by my mid-30s (almost there) there will be someone out there for me too. She looked beautiful in her dress and they just seem really comfortable in their skin. That's nice. Someday.

Last Sunday, I walked into sacrament meeting (at my family ward) and sat down two rows behind my friend Melissa and her family. She was holding new baby Brynn, who was sleeping, so I said, "Anytime you need someone to hold her, let me know." She immediately handed her over and that sweet little baby slept in my arms for the next hour. I want babies. Someday.

That's why I'm going to the mid-singles ward (yes, still doing both, sort of). You know... to find someone to have babies with. :) Oh gosh, did I really say that? I did. And I guess it's true. And to branch out and make new friends. One can never have too many friends and everyone else needs one, so why not be the one to be one. Did that make sense? I think I'm ready for bed.

Glad it's Friday. Really glad. My fingers still smell like lime. Mmm. Goodnight.
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No Luck.

"Patience is the art of concealing your impatience."
~Guy Kawasaki

Dear Beth and everyone else who cares,

Remember how I spontaneously sent a message to a cute boy on FB asking him to ask me out? Well, I was trying to wait a few days to see if the man would message me back, so I could have something fun to share. No such luck. Seriously? Seriously. Wow. Is he really going to ignore me? It doesn't seem right to go around winking at a girl one night and then completely ignore and reject her the next. But I guess you can. And he did. And yes, I've checked and he has certainly been on FB. No doubt about that. Sad. He must hate me. haha :) Wow. Oh well, at least now I know.

I'll try to only be sad for a minute. (Long enough to take a self portrait in the mirror.)

Because really... what can you do?

As my mom always says, "It's all for the good." Meaning, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. So, like I said, at least I know now. No regrets, right?

Well, my friends, I love you and I know you love me (even if the man doesn't), and that's what counts right? I'm all about the love.

Love,
eclaires aka Emery

P.S. I reserve the right to change my mind about him if he does work up the guts (and maturity) to respond.
P.P.S. Should I say anything else to him? Should I retract the email? Or when I see him next, do I bring it up? I mean, I'd still like to have a friend in him, if not a date. What do you think?
P.P.P.S. Don't judge me for my self portrait sessions in the mirror or the funky coloring experiments with said self portraits. It's entertaining.
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Just for the record.

"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live."
~Flora Whittemore quotes

For the record, Blind Date and I haven't been out for quite awhile. I'm just not interested enough. Just thought I'd tell you, so you don't wait for an update. I wanted to be more interested. I tried. But, there's no point in trying if you're just not feeling it, right? So yeah, that's where things are.

On another note, I have such terrible allergies right now. Spring is hitting me with a vengeance. At least the weather is still nice. Not too hot yet.

Oh, and I just sent a message on FB to someone saying,

"So, {insert full name here}... I've been thinking that I'd like to go out with you sometime. Whaddya say, will you ask me? :)"

Who am I? :) I guess, I'm no different than I've ever been. I seem to go after that which I want.

Okay, gotta go pick up Katie from the airport. And for the record, I have violently sneezed 11 times since writing this post.
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Hiking Ensign Peak.

"When you hike this peak tonight, I hope you will remember as you look out over this verdant valley and see the trees, see the communities stretching from here to the point of the mountain, that was not what Brigham Young saw, or the other men with him. They saw almost a barren land. . . . I'm so impressed with the vision that these men had. These great leaders were not stopped by any force from doing that which they knew the Lord wanted them to do."
~Robert L. Backman

Tonight, I hiked Ensign Peak with a large group of single adults from the Singles Ward that I have started visiting.

Lately, I've been having strong impressions that I should go to the Singles Ward, so yesterday was my first Sunday, and then I joined them for their hiking activity to Ensign Peak. Me, hiking. It's actually pretty amazing how many people are in this ward. I'm excited to get to know more people.

Ensign Peak is the summit of the hill just to the north of downtown Salt Lake. It's about a mile and a half north of the Salt Lake Temple. From the peak, you can see that the city was built directly south of that point, and you can see a beautiful 360º view of the city. Really, some spectacular views, don't you think?

The hike was really only about 15 or 20 minutes, but it was pretty steep. I was happy to have my camera to give me an excuse to stop and catch my breath. It was beautiful, the clouds were stunning, and the breeze was very welcome.

It is from this peak, that Brigham Young spoke the famous phrase, "This is the right place," identifying the valley as the place he had seen in a vision as the land on which the Mormon pioneers would build their settlement.

What a beautiful place. I'm happy to be living here, a place with such rich history... and spectacular views!
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A Second Chance.

"Take chances. Take a lot of them.
Because honestly, no matter where you end up, and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make.
Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be okay with it."
~Unknown

So Blind Date and I had a second chance at that whole kissing thing...
and I'd just like to say, for the record, that:

And I have no problem admitting it. :)

And tomorrow is another chance. And heaven knows I'm going to take it. And maybe even run with it.

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Never turn your back on the ocean.

"May you live all the days of your life."
~Jonathan Swift

Radhanagar Beach, Havelock Island. Photo found here.

I can't sleep.
Sometimes that happens when you accidentally take a late nap.
Or when you can't stop crying.
Although, at times, crying has been the best sleeping pill I've ever taken.
(Actually, I've never taken a sleeping pill. Unless you count NyQuil.)
I know I'm not going to make sense, but I have lots of thoughts right now.

I'm ready for spring.
For tulips and daffodils.
For spring romances.
For nights when it's warm enough to stand on the porch kissing your date.
For warm weather and cool breezes.
I have desperately been missing my foggy shore, recently.
Something inside me longs to see the ocean.
To stand on the cliffs.
To walk through the sand and into the waves.

Never turn your back on the ocean.
Its waves can change without notice.
You wouldn't want to be caught unprepared.
Face your fears and your enemies head on.
Funny how the ocean calms me and yet, it's such a massive beast.

I'm lonely.
If you've ever truly experienced it, you may know that it can be one of the most painful feelings.
It's hollow.
I want to belong.
I want someone to care.
I know, I know. Someone does.
That person is probably even you. You're reading this.
I know.
Thank you.
From the bottom of my heart.
I don't discount you.
But I'm still alone.

There's nothing like having someone be excited for you.
When you accomplish something.
When something fun happens.
Or receiving a genuine compliment.
Instead, it's never about you.
Feeling like your every move, your every gesture, your every choice
is being judged and held against you as proof that you're not really good enough,
all to make another feel better...
There's nothing like that either.

Do you ever feel that certain things in your life are poisonous?
Like they are eating away at you little by little?
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
I hope.
I hope this is character I'm building and not an arsenal with which to fight back and lash out.
Is it supposed to make you weaker before you get strong?
Because at times, I am weak.
Never turn your back on the ocean.
But why do you keep going back?

My face is forward.
I'm patient.
Return criticism with extra love.
I'm sorry for passing judgment instead of extending love.
But sometimes it's easier to just ignore.
Is that wrong?
Is that counter-productive?
Never turn your back on the ocean?
Ever?

Today, I held a baby.
Sweet baby Alayna.
Her chubby cheeks and chubby legs are adorable.
Amazingly, she can do a 360° turn in your lap rather adeptly for someone who can't walk.
She was just what I wanted today.
Just what I needed.
But tonight, knowing that I don't have one like her of my own makes me feel hollow.
Makes me feel lonely.
I'm sad. Jealous, even.
Trying to understand.
But, I'm only 32.
Which means, that feeling is significantly more painful for many.
I'm only 32.
I still have time.

I want to live abroad.
Dreaming of all the different places I could live has consumed my thoughts lately.
Moving.
Somewhere.
Anywhere.
A place of my own.
A new adventure.
A new language maybe.
New surroundings.
A space that is mine.

New York City.
Germany.
London.
San Francisco.
Los Angeles.
Washington, D.C.
San Juan del Sur.
Someday.

Blind Date and I have gone on six dates.
He told me I'm amazing.
He likes me.
That should be great, huh?
I like him.
I'm having fun.
But something is holding me back.
That same something isn't letting me run away.
I don't know why.

Everyone enters our lives for a reason.
I believe that.
Maybe this is for him.
Who knows.
But I kissed him.
He kissed me.
It was pretty simple.
But I'm hoping we'll have a second chance at it.
Because I'm having fun.
Don't ask me what that means.
idk.

Never apologize for showing feeling.
When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
I believe that.
I believe in feeling.
In knowing and exploring my feelings.
That's where life is.
I'll apologize if I've made you uncomfortable.
But I will never apologize for feeling that way.
There is just a better way to express it, if I've hurt you.
But what about when you've hurt me?

Never turn your back on the ocean.
Mrs. Terwilliger taught me that.
I'll never forget that. Or her.
She was a jolly lady.

I might be alone.
But, God knows.
He knows me.
He knows that I'm happy even when I don't seem like it.
He knows that I'm willing.
He knows that I'm trying.
He knows that I've made mistakes.
He also knows all of the good things I've done.
He knows me and He still loves me.
And He is brave enough, strong enough, compassionate enough
to show me that love.
And that's comforting.

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A pleasant surprise.

"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise."
~Alice Walker

Photo found here.

So tonight I went on a blind date and I think I might have liked it. To be honest, I didn't anticipate it (the date nor the enjoying it part). Pleasant surprises sure are nice every once in awhile.
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I Just Haven't Met You Yet.

"Just because you know someone doesn't mean you love them, and just because you don't know people doesn't mean you can't love them. You can fall in love with a complete stranger in a heartbeat, if God planned that route for you. So open your heart to strangers more often. You never know when God will throw that pass at you."
~unknown

Just thinking about my life lately, and this song popped into my head yesterday. I love that it's upbeat, not sappy and sad. It's optimistic. Hopeful. It sort of explains some of my thoughts lately. I haven't met him yet. At least, I don't think I have. Maybe I have and he just hasn't made himself known. Maybe he's just my Benchmark, and won't ever be interested. Maybe we passed on the street once. Maybe I smiled at him once. I hope if we have met, that I was nice to him, so that when the timing is right, he'll think of me fondly.

Maybe midnight is the wrong time to think/blog about such a topic, but my thoughts are what they are. I'm really happy with where my life is right now and where it is headed. I'm not sitting around, waiting for a knight in shining armor to find me. I'm anxiously engaged in life. But I am hoping, as the song says, "Wherever {he is}, whenever it's right, {He'll} come out of nowhere and into my life." That'd be nice. :)

Tonight, I ran into some married friends of mine at Stake Conference, where I had led the singing. They both complimented me on how beautiful I looked. It was really flattering. So nice. And then they just kept going on and on and M, the wife said, "O (her husband) and I were just saying how beautiful you are and how we could just watch you leading the music all night long because you're so pretty." Can I just say I love her?! I want to put her in my pocket and pull her out every time I'm feeling ugly (unfortunately, that's happened a lot lately). Seriously, so nice to hear such a genuine compliment from her tonight.

Then she turned to both me and Katie and said, "We were just saying, 'Those two are so pretty. So so pretty. Why are they not married?!?!?!'" Then the conversation turned to the lack of available men to match us. Typically, comments like: "I don't know why you're not married. You're just so great," leave me a little speechless because they usually are accompanied by apparent sympathy and pity for how lonely I must be and I'm never sure what to say in response. "Thanks?" But tonight, it was really genuine and it made me feel good, and all I could think was, (cue music) I guess "I just haven't met {him} yet."

(Thank you Michael Bublé!)

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, Ipromise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet.

Lyrics by Michael Bublé, Alan Chang, and Amy Foster
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