I could use a change... I think.

I am not known for my quick adaptability when it comes to change, especially sudden change; spontaneity has never really been one of my strong suits. So when I anticipated a change to occur yesterday, I mentally prepared myself for it, spending time weighing all the pros and cons, asking lots of thought-provoking questions to help me understand what adjustments would be needed to accept this change, and emotionally gearing myself up. After much thought, I was ready and knew what to expect from myself when this change transpired. In fact, I had thought so much about it, in a sense I was actually looking forward to it!

Then, the moment came … and went. The change I had planned for never took place! All of my emotional and mental preparation had not prepared me for the change NOT to happen. Talk about let-down! Talk about trying to hastily kick my weak spontaneity gene into gear. Why am I not good at this? Life is full of change, even changes to change; you’d think I would have gotten used to it by now! Why had I not prepared myself for everything to remain the same? There are always two sides of a coin. Why hadn’t I truly considered that? Why am I forced to remain in this stagnant situation? I wanted this change. I wanted it badly. At least, I think I did. I wanted it to mean something. I wanted it to catapult me forward. I would have even settled to be on a slow-moving conveyor belt, as long as it meant life was moving in a forward motion.

Alas, back to the drawing board I am, asking questions to help me understand what adjustments are needed to accept this stagnancy. No matter how hard I try, I cannot plan for change of any kind. Change will come to pass when it’s darn good and ready. And change is emotional; it’s hard. But the lack of it can be even harder.