Monday, March 28, 2011

Never turn your back on the ocean.

"May you live all the days of your life."
~Jonathan Swift

Radhanagar Beach, Havelock Island. Photo found here.

I can't sleep.
Sometimes that happens when you accidentally take a late nap.
Or when you can't stop crying.
Although, at times, crying has been the best sleeping pill I've ever taken.
(Actually, I've never taken a sleeping pill. Unless you count NyQuil.)
I know I'm not going to make sense, but I have lots of thoughts right now.

I'm ready for spring.
For tulips and daffodils.
For spring romances.
For nights when it's warm enough to stand on the porch kissing your date.
For warm weather and cool breezes.
I have desperately been missing my foggy shore, recently.
Something inside me longs to see the ocean.
To stand on the cliffs.
To walk through the sand and into the waves.

Never turn your back on the ocean.
Its waves can change without notice.
You wouldn't want to be caught unprepared.
Face your fears and your enemies head on.
Funny how the ocean calms me and yet, it's such a massive beast.

I'm lonely.
If you've ever truly experienced it, you may know that it can be one of the most painful feelings.
It's hollow.
I want to belong.
I want someone to care.
I know, I know. Someone does.
That person is probably even you. You're reading this.
I know.
Thank you.
From the bottom of my heart.
I don't discount you.
But I'm still alone.

There's nothing like having someone be excited for you.
When you accomplish something.
When something fun happens.
Or receiving a genuine compliment.
Instead, it's never about you.
Feeling like your every move, your every gesture, your every choice
is being judged and held against you as proof that you're not really good enough,
all to make another feel better...
There's nothing like that either.

Do you ever feel that certain things in your life are poisonous?
Like they are eating away at you little by little?
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
I hope.
I hope this is character I'm building and not an arsenal with which to fight back and lash out.
Is it supposed to make you weaker before you get strong?
Because at times, I am weak.
Never turn your back on the ocean.
But why do you keep going back?

My face is forward.
I'm patient.
Return criticism with extra love.
I'm sorry for passing judgment instead of extending love.
But sometimes it's easier to just ignore.
Is that wrong?
Is that counter-productive?
Never turn your back on the ocean?

Today, I held a baby.
Sweet baby Alayna.
Her chubby cheeks and chubby legs are adorable.
Amazingly, she can do a 360° turn in your lap rather adeptly for someone who can't walk.
She was just what I wanted today.
Just what I needed.
But tonight, knowing that I don't have one like her of my own makes me feel hollow.
Makes me feel lonely.
I'm sad. Jealous, even.
Trying to understand.
But, I'm only 32.
Which means, that feeling is significantly more painful for many.
I'm only 32.
I still have time.

I want to live abroad.
Dreaming of all the different places I could live has consumed my thoughts lately.
A place of my own.
A new adventure.
A new language maybe.
New surroundings.
A space that is mine.

New York City.
San Francisco.
Los Angeles.
Washington, D.C.
San Juan del Sur.

Blind Date and I have gone on six dates.
He told me I'm amazing.
He likes me.
That should be great, huh?
I like him.
I'm having fun.
But something is holding me back.
That same something isn't letting me run away.
I don't know why.

Everyone enters our lives for a reason.
I believe that.
Maybe this is for him.
Who knows.
But I kissed him.
He kissed me.
It was pretty simple.
But I'm hoping we'll have a second chance at it.
Because I'm having fun.
Don't ask me what that means.

Never apologize for showing feeling.
When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
I believe that.
I believe in feeling.
In knowing and exploring my feelings.
That's where life is.
I'll apologize if I've made you uncomfortable.
But I will never apologize for feeling that way.
There is just a better way to express it, if I've hurt you.
But what about when you've hurt me?

Never turn your back on the ocean.
Mrs. Terwilliger taught me that.
I'll never forget that. Or her.
She was a jolly lady.

I might be alone.
But, God knows.
He knows me.
He knows that I'm happy even when I don't seem like it.
He knows that I'm willing.
He knows that I'm trying.
He knows that I've made mistakes.
He also knows all of the good things I've done.
He knows me and He still loves me.
And He is brave enough, strong enough, compassionate enough
to show me that love.
And that's comforting.


Becky said...

I'm sorry you are lonely. I wish their were a way I could help fill your emptiness. Just know you are not alone. I love you and I miss you.

Bethany said...

You are one of the sweetest, strong women I know. As such, it is okay to feel lonely once in awhile, to question why things are the way they are, to not know why you are kissing the man in front of you, but still do so and enjoy it. You are Emery-- and, honestly, for what it is worth, I wouldn't want anyone else to be you.

Amiee said...

Emery, this post made me cry so I had to comment! You are soooo cute and sweet, I love you! I hope you feel happier soon. I hate feeling that way (we all do from time to time, right?)it's no fun. I hope you and "blind date" work out to be something fantastic!!!!!!! HUGS....

Bethany said...

Girl, I get it, through and through. I can't ever put any of it into words - but you did so beautifully. The literal, physical heartache and pain of loneliness is so intense, so real. I repeat, I get it. I'm glad that it's real for other people to...somehow makes it a little bit more okay to know that someone else is experiencing it too. Apmokejimas, ar ne? Niekada nepamirsk tai. Myliu tave! Will you be at the mission reunion on Friday?

rawhide said...

I know that lonely feeling...i've been having it a lot lately. all i can say is, i hope it gets better or goes away soon......but hey, you have blind date to look forward to. good luck with that!!!

eclaires said...

I love you, friends. :) Thank you.